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Maximize Growth By Doing Scary Things
Steven Hicks
@pepopowitz
steven.j.hicks@gmail.com
stevenhicks.me/do-scary-things
Content Warning
Death & Dying
Unsettling Images
Discuss many common fears
Including death & dying
Some images that may be unsettling to you (snakes, spiders, vicious dogs)
...
Let me tell you a little about myself
Tech Lead at Artsy
NYC, MKE
our mission is to expand the art market,
and we're doing that with a platform for collecting and discovering art.
I love JavaScript
I have for years. I started working with it at the beginning of my career, in 1999.
JS in 1999 - that's a scary thing.
I'm a trail runner.
I'm a runner in general...but the trails really speak to me.
I love the sense of focus I feel on a trail -
it's my personal form of meditation,
living in the moment of every single step over every single rock.
...
I just ran a half-marathon on trails in SE wisconsin, beating my goal of 2h by 1min.
creamcitycode.com
I'm an organizer of the Cream City Code conference, in Milwaukee.
It was last weekend, did anyone go?
I'm a writer, at these URLs
personal
artsy engineering
I'm a speaker
I've spoken at conferences throughout the Midwest, giving over 40 talks.
I'm a teacher
I currently teach workshops on React and TDD
...
Milwaukee at end of October : react workshop
...
3 years ago, the only one of these identities I could claim was that of an engineer.
And then I realized that I wasn't really growing
because I wasn't getting uncomfortable.
Overcoming my fears allowed me to do things I'd always wanted to do
But never actually did
...
And I'm hopeful that today I can
help break down fear for you
Make the things that are holding you back a little less scary
Arm you with some strategies for overcoming fear
Fear
What do we fear?
...
luckily for us, someone does a survey
Chapman University Survey
of American Fears
Chapman University in California does an annual survey of fears amongst Americans.
And there's a lot of fears in there that many of us sympathize with.
...
#1 for 2018 - any guesses?
Chapman University Survey of American Fears
74% Corrupt government officials
I'm not saying which officials are corrupt...
But I think folks of all different beliefs fear this
Chapman University Survey of American Fears
62% Pollution of waterways
61% Pollution of drinking water
55% Pollution of air
54% Extinction of plants and animals
53% Global warming/climate change
Chapman University Survey of American Fears
57% Not having enough money for future
53% High medical bills
Chapman University Survey of American Fears
57% People I love becoming seriously ill
56% People I love dying
health
...
and that's great and fun, and we could look at this list all day,
but it's impersonal.
I want to get more personal.
starting with some PRIMAL fears
Significantly more common -
24%
I am creeped out by how they move
I have some more long-term fears, too
like a fear of getting old
about schmidt - early 2000s
Jack Nicholson plays a retiree who finds himself more and more alone
as he gets older
...
When I watched this movie, my stomach hurt so bad from fear,
I wanted to curl into a ball the whole time.
And I don't think it was until I saw this movie that I realized how much I feared getting old.
i fear that I'm not good enough for my wife.
She'll get sick of my emotional immaturity
and leave me
...
This fear is really about relationships
and I think I'm not alone in fearing that I'm going to mess up a relationship.
...
some people fear
being in them
not being in them
messing them up
raising kids poorly
and work. Who has fears about work?
Who doesn't have fears about work?
I get incredible anxiety over sending a calendar invite to more than 2 people.
taking a job you'll regret
asking for a raise - uncomfortable conversations
telling my boss how I really feel - afraid I'll get fired
take ownership of a feature/project/system - afraid of the commitment
i fear self-promotion
i fear being rejected as being too braggy
or being found out that I'm not worth self-promoting
I did a whole lot of it at the beginning of this talk, and it was excruciating .
I went back and forth on pulling those slides out 25 times.
lack of knowledge
i'm going to look dumb
i.e. imposter syndrome
many fear public speaking
you might have heard that people fear it more than death
According to the Chapman research, not true .
27.9% for death, 26% for public speaking
...
and these fears, and many like them, are all kind of the same basic fear
the fear of rejection
these fears of rejection are what i'm really interested in today
because these are the fears that prevent us from doing great things with our career
from deciding to publish a blog
or a book
or start speaking
or take on a new role or responsibilities that we think are really neat
but are too scared of
or quitting our job and going freelance
On a personal level, overcoming these kinds of fears are the best move I've made in my career
It got me speaking across the Midwest, into Canada, and here today in front of you as a keynote speaker
And that got me my current job - my friend Jon from Artsy came to one of my talks
I'm hopeful that helping you overcome your fears can change your life like it's changed mine.
* I am not a doctor.
A really quick disclaimer:
I am not a professional psychologist, and I am making shit up.
The "fear" I'm talking about today is not the kind of fear based on terrifying life events,
that leaves you curled up in a ball in a corner or unable to function.
I don't have any ability to discuss, diagnose, or treat that level of fear.
I do have the ability to support you and assist you in finding help - so if that describes you, and you want help, I'll help you get in contact with someone. See me later.
For this talk, I'm speaking about the kinds of fears that hinder you from being the best version of you.
Why Do We Fear?
Over-simplified, the popular science looks like this:
There is a group of structures in our brain
that form the "limbic system".
this system is involved in many of our emotions and motivations
especially those related to survival.
Like fear, anger, memory, and emotions related to reproduction.
And the limbic system has many functions, but one of its main functions,
is to take sensory inputs ...
and send them to be triaged in the prefrontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex is a newer part of the brain - more evolved .
It does a pretty solid job of identifying threats (or non-threats)
Has the security clearance to make snap judgments
And provoke the body into a response
without involving the smarter, slower, PFC
This is often where you feel fight or flight
Why Do We Fear?
It's sort of like how every time I put a pizza in the oven, the smoke alarm in my hallway goes off.
I know it's not a fire. But the smoke alarm, my limbic system, responds quicker than I (or my PFC) can.
This system is great!
It's like legacy code -
it has helped our species survive, and it works, so just nobody touch it.
...
We are born with this system
and the ability to fear things
But current studies seem to indicate...
we aren't actually born with any fears
we MIGHT be born with the fear of loud sounds
but even that is up for debate
we also develop a fear of falling pretty early, but that doesn't appear to be at birth
the majority, if not all, of our fears are learned .
we seem to be predisposed to learn some fears
the primal ones
snakes & spiders, especially.
...
But most of our fears we learn by association
The limbic system that gets to make snap judgments on inputs -
It does so with simple pattern matching.
If it looks like something we associate with a threat,
It gets categorized as something worth fearing.
It might be that we have an experience , and associate sharp teeth with something we should fear
Or it might be our parents act fearful around sharp pointy dog teeth, because they've been bitten, and we associate sharp pointy dog teeth with our parents fear
This explains why my oldest daughter,
who has never had a bad experience with a dog,
climbed me like a tree a couple years ago, shrieking, when a dog came running up to her.
[Explain why].
This pattern matching is also why once you develop a fear of something,
It grows worse over time
The pattern matching continues to associate this thing with a threat
Even if it never really was one.
There's no guarantee you'll learn a fear by association
For example, I mentioned that I am terrified of snakes....
my youngest daughter, Olivia, is absolutely not afraid of snakes.
That's some science behind fear.
Let's explore how we develop fears of rejection
We are concerned how others perceive us
waitbutwhy.com
Tim Urban, of the website waitbutwhy.com:
Has an amazing article about what he calls "the Social Survival Mammoth"
that bullies us into fearing even an ounce of rejection .
The science behind the mammoth, Tim argues, is that thousands of years ago, when we lived in caves, being rejected meant being pushed out of the cave and sleeping with the saber toothed tigers.
Our biology hasn't evolved as quickly as our civilizations have ...and so we're stuck with this fear, this mammoth that's been hanging around for far too long, and doesn't make much sense anymore.
...
From my research I don't think this is a fear we are born with ...but I think it is probably one that we are extremely susceptible to , and it doesn't take much for us to learn it.
...
In the end, Tim's post aims to help us realize one really important thing :
Almost nothing you’re socially scared of is actually scary.
Tim Urban
We see others succeed
and compare ourselves to them
when in reality it looks just like ours - like this.
...
and all those twists and turns
We see ourselves failing
are where we see ourselves failing.
This effect is magnified in the social media era
Facebook, Twitter, etc
are causing damaging psychological effects
because of this nature to compare ourselves
Humans are really good at seeing the negative possibilities.
(In the tech industry , we are extremely good .)
If we look at the possible range of outcomes in a situation, there's a whole bunch of good ones, and a whole bunch of bad ones
...
we'll focus on the worst ones.
we might look at one or two of the good ones , but mostly we focus on the really awful ones.
so if we are offered a choice between two options -
one in which the range of outcomes look like this,
and one in which the range of outcomes look like this,
which one do you think we take?
We take the one with the high floor but low ceiling
because it has the least scary negative outcomes.
Even though this other option clearly has the most amazing outcomes for us.
...
This risk avoidance works great when the risks are realistic
But our brain tells us stories, and very often those stories are unfounded lies.
Strategies for
Overcoming Fear And so...with some better understanding of the nature of fear,
I'd like to offer you some strategies for overcoming the fears that are holding you back.
Preparation
Find a squad
people you can fail in front of
or better yet, fail with
these might be people with the same goals as you
4 important things you're looking for from them:
Preparation
Find A Squad
Psychological safety
Accountabili-buddy
Reassurance
1 - Feel comfortable "failing" with them
...
2 - Hold each other accountable
ruinous empathy
Give difficult feedback because you care
...
3 - (reassurance)
that fears are not what rule you
And work through those fears and failures together.
...
You and your squad are going to...
Preparation
Focus on successes over failures
We focus so much on what we don't want, rather than what we do.
This is us sabotaging ourselves.
I want to look to a couple examples outdoors to illustrate this.
Preparation
Focus On Successes
When you go to a climbing gym, you'll see people doing this at the bottom of a climbing route
They're planning their route
In their heads, making sure they know what hand is going where, and when
They aren't looking at all the things they DON'T want to do - just the exact moves that they need to get up the route.
...
These are great real-life examples of focusing on successes over failures
And it'd be useful if we did the same with our careers, wouldn't it?
Preparation
Focus On Successes
Self-handicapping
As a word of caution...
If we spend our time focusing on failures, instead of successes,
we can end up self-handicapping.
This is when we avoid effort to keep failure from hurting us.
Example:
When you see a job posting at a company you think is out of your league
And you say "they would never hire me"
And you haven't even given them the chance to say no, or even crazier YES
This kind of behavior holds you back.
...
(pause)
Practice
Second group of strategies: Practice
Implement practices to help yourself get better at overcoming fear
Practice
Fear-setting
Explained by Tim Ferriss in a TED Talk
on why you should define your fears instead of your goals.
Practice
Fear-setting
...visualizing the worst-case scenarios, in detail, that you fear, preventing you from taking action, so that you can take action to overcome that paralysis.
Tim Ferriss
Practice
Fear-setting
And he asks you to make three lists.
Define: define your fears.
What are you most afraid of happening that is keeping you from doing something?
Practice
Fear-setting
And if it did happen, how could you recover from it?
That's the 3rd list.
...
This is not all there is to fear-setting, and you can see the rest in Tim's video,
but this should get you started thinking about how you could overcome
the nightmare scenarios your fears dream up.
Practice
Rejection Therapy
Practice
Rejection Therapy
My goal was to desensitize myself from the pain of rejection and overcome my fear
Jia Jiang, rejectiontherapy.com
[jyyaaa jyahng]
he did this by forcing himself to be rejected
for 100 days straight.
from asking the cheesecake factory to sing him happy birthday when it wasn't his birthday
to trying to meet former president obama
...
There's a couple quotes from Jia that I think are really remarkable
Practice
Rejection Therapy
Our imagination often takes us to the worst possible outcome, causing us to be much less likely to take that action. We are really our own worst rejectors.
Jia Jiang, rejectiontherapy.com
Practice
Rejection Therapy
My rejection therapy taught me that "the worst they can say is no" is actually not true. In fact, the worst they can say is "you didn't even ask." It implies I said "no" to myself before others could reject me.
Jia Jiang, rejectiontherapy.com
Practice
Rejection Therapy
ha·bit·u·a·tion
the diminishing of a physiological or emotional response to a frequently repeated stimulus
Rejection therapy is practice in the utmost sense
And it takes advantage of habituation
The more you experience rejection...the less uncomfortable it becomes.
Practice
Rejection Ritual
If you're going to be doing something that you know is going to involve a lot of rejection
(speaking, applying for jobs, etc)
Define a routine for yourself for every time you receive a rejection.
Practice
Rejection Ritual
1. Send a thank you
2. Review praise & accomplishments
3. Submit two more
if I'm applying for jobs, I might do this every time I get rejected:
1 - for considering you
2 - that you've received elsewhere
3 -
Write this down, commit it to memory, don't forget to do it!
Practice
Rejection Ritual
Why?
1. Reroutes your automatic responses
2. Slows you down
3. Shifts your self-talk
4. Habits make decisions for you
1 - from something negative to something positive
2 - you're thinking about this fear logically instead of emotionally
it might be that we're slowing it down so PFC can process it
3 - to something positive, instead of dwelling on another failure,
and wondering what's wrong with you
4 - When you build a habit, your response becomes automatic
You don't have to think about it - you're more likely to do the thing you want to do
When you brush your teeth in the morning, do you make a decision?
No, you just do it
...unless you're a remote worker, and then you just kind of forget for a few days
Practice
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Rituals and exposure are tools that are more formally used in CBT
Which is a technique used to
reframe negative thinking patterns into positive ones
With CBT, you'll practice being mindful of emotions and thoughts
and work to transform them into productive behaviors
Therapist
...
(pause)
Presence
Third set of strategies focus on physical presence,
and being present in the moment
Presence
Maintain A Strong And Mindful Presence
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Power Pose
Amy Cuddy - stand in a position of power to improve your confidence
Some question about science behind this
But if you feel better standing like a superhero, do it.
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Mountain Pose
I use a different power pose
Helps me center myself, slow down emotions & feel in control
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Physical Exercise
Improves mood -
Can reduce anxiety & depression
I used to be a late-night exerciser, but then I started noticing when I did it in the morning,
I felt great the rest of the day.
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Recognize And Name The Emotion
get better at...
Fear is a pretty general emotion, and it can be helpful for you to be more specific about what's going on
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Recognize/Name Emotions
insecure
inadequate anxious threatened
trapped
lonely Here are some more specific fearful emotions you might feel:
...
The act of trying to name your emotion
Might activate the PFC
Gives it some time to catch up.
It definitely gives your body the sense that things are slowing down so you can process them properly
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Meditation
Possible Benefits -
1 - Levels emotional responses, you become better at treating emotions as facts, not inescapable feelings
2 - Increases your persistence
...
For years I've been trying to start a meditation habit
This year, I'm finally making real progress
I started tracking my daily mood, and I noticed my best days
were the days I got a morning workout & I meditated.
Now I do it regularly, setting myself up for success every day.
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Positive Self-talk
Negative self-talk increases the difficulty of any activity
That nagging voice encourages you to give up, or choose poorly
Choose different words.
Talk about yourself the way you'd talk about a friend.
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Mantras
A very specific type of self-talk
Mantras are words or short phrases you can use as an anchor point
When you notice that you've lost your focus,
repeat them in your head
and return to them.
Presence
Strong And Mindful
Mantras
Strong like Steph; focused like Olivia; light like Lila.
Choosing my own suffering is the ultimate privilege.
Action conquers fear.
Presence
Time Travel
There are some tricks we can play with our mind to overcome fear.
There are powerful things we can do with our imagination and time.
travel ahead - visualize yourself on the other side of a challenge
"This time next week, I'll be sitting down with a drink, having just quit my job."
Visualize yourself five years from now
giving your first keynote
looking back on this first-ever talk you're about to give.
...
(pause)
Perspective
Finally, I want to leave you with some perspective
A few other stories that might help us overcome our fears.
Perspective
Embrace Failure
We live in an amazing time.
Thanks to tech startups, failure is fully embraced right now.
That was definitely not the case when we were kids.
But today, they teach this in schools
My kids' classrooms have signs all over endorsing a growth mindset
This is great!
Perspective
If you ain't falling, you ain't learning.
Chris Turner
A quote from a former coworker.
In regards to snowboarding
but so much more.
...
And when you do fall...
Perspective
Forgive Yourself
Treat yourself as you would treat a friend
If your best friend tries something amazing
and doesn't get the outcome they wanted
Do you beat them up for failing?
You don't. And you shouldn't do it to yourself, either.
Perspective
We spend so much time comparing ourselves to others
and when we see someone successful, this is what we see:
their greatest successes
their massive accomplishments
Preparation
Practice
Presence
Perspective
1 - Prepare yourself for the challenge of doing something scary
2 - Practice overcoming fears and rejection, so that it becomes easier
3 - Maintain a strong mindful and physical presence
4 - Maintain perspective - failure is great if it's used for learning and growing.
xx - Use the problem solving skills you already possess to break problems down
I'm going to close with one more story about climbing.
story
I thought about it long after, as more profound than it immediately seemed
We tell ourselves lies
We make ourselves believe stories about ourselves that just aren't true
We convince ourselves we can't do something, because we are afraid of actually failing
and sometimes we need a stranger to look at us
and with fearless confidence remind us that yes
we can do it
We are capable of accomplishing amazing things
And so just as that climber reminded me that day about the route I was climbing,
I am here as a stranger to remind you that,
whatever that fear is that you're trying to overcome,
yes:
you can do it.
You got this.
Thank you! Steven Hicks
@pepopowitz
steven.j.hicks@gmail.com
stevenhicks.me/do-scary-things
Thank you for your time!
Questions afterward
Enjoy the rest of ___
Resources
Further Reading
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Maximize Growth By Doing Scary Things
Steven Hicks
@pepopowitz
steven.j.hicks@gmail.com
stevenhicks.me/do-scary-things
